1. There are not many girls in my daughter's 1st grade class who have their hair done up cute. They are a strangly, wispy, hair-falling-in-their-faces kind of crowd. I am glad she is not the only one. I am glad they all don't listen to their parents, that they forget barrettes every day, and go through their school day with reckless abandon for propriety and a fervent concentration on the task at hand.
2. I remember one instance in particular of a fellow student--a boy--sexually harassing me at age 10, under the guise of teasing. Age 10 folks! I guess he thought it was teasing. He called my Girl Scout beret a nipple and said it looked like I was wearing a nipple on my head. Here's why it wasn't teasing:
a. Using a part of girl's anatomy to shame her is not ok. It's misogyny in fact.
b. Calling attention to a pre-teen's anything to make fun of it is not ok.
c. Calling attention to a way of dressing by making fun of it is bullying.
d. The Girl Scout organization exists to give girls confidence, inspire leadership, and create equality. By mocking the uniform and physical representation of this, he not only undermined all those qualities for me, he disrespected a uniform. Something his veteran family members would probably not be ok with either.
e. I'd never heard him make fun of the Boy Scout uniforms seen around school. If in fact he didn't make fun of them, it means he might have respect for a uniform, just not a girl one, and probably because he didn't see it as a "real" uniform.
And if you say it's because there was no girly beret, you can stop right there and look up #metoo.
And here is where I feel stunted: I should not have to list off these reasons.
I can't believe I have to state this. Since the election I've been tongue-tied. I am stupefied by the insistence I have to make about things you shouldn't do to women. I thought we were past it. I don't have the words anymore because I haven't needed them. I'm open-mouthed and dumbfounded...and left looking like an idiot who can't speak intelligibly. I could scream my angst but that would just look worse.
Am I whining about how I have to relearn how to stick up for myself, poor baby?
Damn right I am. Y'all should have learned that lesson seven ways from Sunday by now.
It's taken a while to feel like I can go back to the basics enough, to be able to give words to why calling a girl in her Girl Scout uniform a nipplehead is not acceptable.
I find myself going back through my life, suddenly thinking to count the #metoo events I might have had. Because here's the other thing: my god, women don't even keep count anymore of the everyday crap they get. It's only the egregious things that stay on her mind.
But this kid, completely unaware of why what he was doing was wrong, set the stage for that dismissal. I remember being so ashamed that he had said that. To my face. Out loud. In front of people. In a school room. So many rings of where it should have stopped.
Where was the teacher? I don't know. Maybe it was before school actually started. Maybe he was dealing with another bullying situation. It doesn't matter. The teacher can redirect each conversation they hear, or situation they see. But they don't see everything. And isn't it how you act when no one's looking that demonstrates your true character?
Why didn't the teacher intervene isn't the problem.
So this boy thought he was being funny. He'd been taught that. Or allowed to think it.
But he calculated the use of a sensual word--nipple--to make me more embarrassed. He understood the sexual nature of his teasing and the power that gave him.
And he didn't even hesitate to bully and discredit another human by abusing that power. That's the real problem.
I felt it was my fault for wearing that hat. Something I'd actually been quite proud of when I got dressed. And then he made a crude observation and I trusted it, because we are taught to. Boys are given more credit for their conclusions. And suddenly I felt so stupid for not having seen it first. I should have caught that flaw before he had the chance to and not worn the beret. All this "she was asking for it" happening to a 10 year old girl. Happening in her own head. Without being raped, without being groped. It doesn't take an egregious action to engender and indoctrinate.
It feels the same. The shame, the undermining of self worth, the fault--it is the same track, just earlier in the road.
Which means it's earlier in the road for him too. By not standing up to him, by allowing him to think he was only teasing, downplaying the severity of his actions, we raise these boys.
Don't. Don't do it anymore.
If you want better girls, encourage them, don't belittle them. Listen to your girls. Listen to me: If you want a better world for your girls--for everyone--raise better boys.
