Kan Cicekleri 206

 Episode 206 Everyone Knows

Quick synopsis: The family finds out. Gul is not happy. Buy the shares already.

Cihan wants to take a photo of them all together at breakfast. Hasan uses it as an opportunity to out Dilan as adopted, in his not-subtle yet off-handed way, thereby lighting a powder keg.

Azade-doom goes boom.

Cihan puts his head in his hand like 'oh boy, here we go'. Kudret is pissed and scowling. Baran has hold of Dilan's hand and looks like he's about to throw Hasan out the house.

Hasan elaborates.  The Demirs tricked the great Karabey family. vy vy vy

Azade asks (yells) if this is true, that they took some rando girl into their home.

Oh, but there's more.

Hasan knows just whose daughter she actually is: Hikmet's. 

Sabiha picks that moment to phone Dilan. She's not picking up. (Obvi.) Sabiha decides she will go to the mansion.

No, she won't. Cevahir chose that moment to pay her a visit. 

Hasan keeps going: Hikmet covered up Seyit's crime. That's whose daughter they have.

Kudret is the first to break. He slams his fists on the table and tells Hasan to Shut. Up.

Dilan would pull her hand away but Baran holds it tight.

Azade-doom is going to kill them, the people who tricked them. The way she is yelling, I bet she wishes she had her cane.

Baran lays down the law: No, and no. To any of it.

Ope! She does have her cane. Bang. Bang. And she drops the wedding day bomb:

Didn't Dilan run away on her wedding day to get her revenge and play us all?

(What a cluster f---.)

Kudret, Firat...everyone but Cihan and Baran look surprised.

Baran finally pulls his hand from hers to to jump up and bang on the table. Now everyone is on their feet.

Whew boy.

Cevahir makes himself at home at Sabiha's house. He did not hear any of Sabiha's conversation with Havin about Dilan. He does want to know if his edict was followed. Did she buy Firat's shares yet? She promises to before he gets murderous.

Baran grabs Dilan's hand again almost immediately. And pulls her behind him, shielding her. More yelling. Dilan finally goes upstairs. Kudret gives a nod to Baran. Go. He'll handle things down here.  Firat and Gul split too. Firat also sees it as trickery. Gul brings perspective. She has only sympathy.

Dilan gets big hugs and comfort from Baran.

The problem is that the vendetta is what drives Azade's life. And Dilan has slowly been chipping that away. First with the marriage, then remembering Ayten less morbidly, Kudret getting better...all these things--though she may be happy about some of them--they incrementally undo her identity. Without that vengeful fire in her belly, what does she have?

Firat is outside when Sabiha walks up. Wearing a blue dress and with her hair down. She tries to convince Firat he can pay his part of their partnership, the one that is much more beneficial to him than her, with his shares. 

I wondered how she was going to broach the sale.

Nope. No deal. 

Dilan walks out and Sabiha calls to her but she doesn't hear. Does she have a problem? she asks Firat.

Oh lady...

Just family stuff, Firat answers.

Baran has come back down. And he has questions:

1. Why did you do that?

2. You don't share stuff like that at the breakfast table, don't you know that? Aren't you supposed to be an elder? (That one cuts.)

3. What's your purpose?

4. Are you acting alone?

5. Why didn't you talk to me? I stayed quiet for a reason. Did you think of that?

He is vibrating with fury.

Hasan gets a call from Cevahir. They need to meet.

Kader checks in on Dilan. She's the mom again. 

Gul confides to Firat that she doesn't like Sabiha. He wants to know, is there something Gul knows that he doesn't? It means something to him, his wife's opinion. He won't forget it.

The Karabey boys are worried about the trouble Hasan and Azade could stir up. Cihan is in charge of sending some guys to watch over the Demirs.

Cevahir is really antsy for Firat's shares. He is supposed to buy them off Sabiha after she gets them from Firat. (Good lord, people.) He doesn't have much time. (That's a curious new timetable.) But Sabiha, rather than being intimidated, takes this as a sign that she needs to be rid of Cevahir sooner than she'd planned. He must have a secret they can exploit. Havin will find out.

She has a good point. Now I want to know too. What is with that guy?

Kudret finally gets the full truth about Dilan being kidnapped and saying she left instead, all to protect Baran. He understands now why Baran is distrustful of Sabiha. 

Cihan is also in charge of Kerem's computer and getting the Sabiha dossier. He's really coming up.

When the guys are finished, Baran comforts Dilan some more.*

Hasan and Cevahir have a meeting too. They are moving ahead with a shipment, whether or not it meets Baran's high ethical standards for doing business.

Havin has been listening 2 tables away. That's what Cevahir gets for working en plein air. Go get 'em, weird girl.

Seyit and Kudret have a meeting. They discuss the bodyguards and Dilan; is she ok? Kudret calls him off with a weirdly snarky, "No one will touch her while Baran is alive."

(I have questions. Like, why specifically mention 'Baran' and 'alive' in the same sentence?)

Seyit feels like the longer they keep Hasan's secret, the more his evil grows. He wants to tell. Kudret says no. If he does, Kudret will deny it.**

Hasan is back in time to witness them talking. So does Azade-doom. He pushes the idea of taking out Seyit for tricking them. His gamble on saving face as a motive backfires though. Azade forbids him from making their humiliation known to the wider world. She is especially hissy and cobra-like. For realz. It's practically Parsel-tongue. Outside this edict though, he has free reign. i.e. Seyit is going down.

Firat and Gul have a secret meeting. He is waxing poetic on what they'll be able to do once everyone knows they are married. It's very cute.

Kader overhears everything.

Hasan fills Azade in on his plan. No one will trace the hit back to them...yadda yadda. They are on the patio discussing their nefarism. 

(Why are these people always out in the most obvious spaces?)

Azade-doom takes a Hammurabli approach: since we were surprised by her adoption, this will be our surprise for her! Their evil banter is overlay for the couple gazing lovingly, unshakably, at each other.

Yelling at the tv:

*There's a new, covered swing on the Karabey patio. Dilan uses it when remembering the fiasco that was breakfast.

**This is huge for him. Imagine Kudret and Ayten had as great a love as Baran and Dilan. By all accounts, accurate. And instead of telling the world what a rat his brother is, he will deny the truth in favor of coming full circle. They need all the facts, these men, and though it has to be killing him, Kudret won't sacrifice a just conclusion.

They must have dyed Baran’s hair again. It's matte dark.

Kan Cicekleri 202

 Episode 202 A Closer Couple

Quick synopsis: Waiting on test results. Firat gets some shares. The intentional slow burn.

The hospital lists didn't pan out any info on Dilan's mom. She is feeling forlorn. But Baran gave his word, they'll find her. There's no giving up.*

Gul was this close to her mom discovering her marriage certificate in her bag. She and Firat disagree about telling everyone the news. They're pretty cute about it though.

It's pretty convenient for Sabiha that she owns a hospital. She took that sample of Dilan's DNA (from the teacup) straight to a lab there. Now, we wait.

Baran has cancelled his meetings. His work today is loving his wife. (Awww.) He is really liking being able to grab her around the waist and pull her into him. He tells her to get ready; they're going out. And when she questions it, and he says, "Just do as I say", it's with a wink. WinkyBaran!

The best by far.

Derya says she'll sell her shares to Firat. Firat is not so trusting. Hasan wants him to be a rat and use them against Baran. (If he did get them, it would be a solution to a huge headache for the Karabey family, and a way to prove his good intentions to Baran and Kudret.)

Cevahir has some weird rules about being diabolical. He imparts them to his henchman Sair. While throwing bits of bread to (at?) seagulls. Like he's an old man, sharing wisdom. 

He is no member of the Mage Club. #weirdhobbies

His meeting with Baran was one of those that got rescheduled today. Last minute. He takes the news well enough; the glove remains calm.

Oh no...Dilan can't get the clasp on her necklace to catch...what to do... Enter Baran. The clasping isn't unusual but the aftermath is a very intimate affair. There's this slow process that keeps happening, that's even more sensual than an almost kiss. The moments are all still almost kisses, but this process breaks it down to the tiny fundamentals of getting from here to there. He'll kiss her temple, say, and then she turns just a bit and we have the almost kiss. Then we get the moments of closer:

He'll nuzzle her cheek and she'll turn more

He'll press closer to her cheek so it's evident he's ready for more

It gives her a chance to decide to try a little too

She'll turn to face him and he keeps his mouth so close, brushing her face but not kissing

He'll move in closer as they face each other, and wait

He might lean infinitesimally toward her but still wait for her to make the final contact

She's still shy or unsure, so in the end, he keeps waiting as she scoots away to fiddle with something else. 

And it's still an almost kiss but of a very different kind. I think they are still playing it up and we will eventually see them smooch.

He always rejoins her escape with a loving comment or tells her a detail or a story of how his parents showed their love in quiet ways. I think it's to help make her feel like he sees her love for him, even if she is still shy. This time it's how his mom would iron his dad's shirt and wouldn't let anyone else do it. "You're just like my mom," he'll say. 

And holy carp y'all--look how far we've come.

He tries again, this time while holding her head in his hands after a forehead kiss. He's actually leaning down to close the distance...no dice. They have to hurry, they'll be late.

But as he changes his shirt, he buttons it up unevenly. Oh here, let her, she'll do it.

Ladies and gents, she's unbuttoning his shirt! I don't think Baran breathes. Or if he does, they're sharing air. He's that close. Their noses are overlapping.

See what I mean?!? By. Degrees.

The next time we see them, they are at the beach, confessing how they each fell in love with the other, but the other one never knew it. I didn't realize how much I wanted these revelations. The falling is the best part. It falls a little short because it's all, "...when I first saw you..." that we see from the opening credits. Almost ignoring all the torture she went through. 

Am I holding a grudge? Maybe. A little more "I loved you whens" would go a long way though.

Baran comes thru.

Hasan keeps pushing at Firat to accept the shares off Derya. And he's hit upon the one thing Firat wants: not power over Baran but a well regarded reputation in the family. If he gets in good with Baran, the news of the marriage will be better received. And backed up. Which will also mean relief for Gul, his ultimate goal. Doing anything his father wants is a hard pill though.

Sabiha is coming to grips with having chained Dilan, her real daughter, and kept her prisoner. I did wonder about that.

The lovebirds sleep in each other's arms and when they wake up, Dilan goes to get out of bed but Baran pulls her back. Don't get up yet. 

An almost kiss paired with his phone ringing. Baran ignores it! He's still going in...

Dilan insists. The phone, Baran.

Ooof. It's Cevahir. Should have stuck to the kiss.

He's still smarting from the last minute cancellation.Oh well. When Baran gets off the phone, Dilan again makes to get up. He pulls her back a 2nd time! Where are you going? Don't go. No buts. Almost kiss and Dilan starts babbling excuses.

The gimmick is good, don't get me wrong. But I'm starting to wonder: what's it going to take for her to feel comfortable?

Cuz I'm comfortable. They could do this anytime.

We may have our answer, and If I'm right, it's a good one.

When they are getting ready, side by side, morning bathroom routine, she dabs lotion on his cheek. He stills. Wipes it away. Then she dabs some more. Then a tiny splash of water. Then hands full of it. Finally he retaliates and splashes her back. More silliness.

They are playin' y'all. She just needs to know she can be silly with him, that FrownyBaran isn't all seriousness, even in love. Her personality demands someone she can laugh with. This is what will change things for her. And I can get behind that.

Firat got the shares. And he's...changing rooms?

Baran is back in the suit, standing solid and waiting for Cevahir. I think Baran is just that much taller than Cevahir. And Cevahir is the sort that would let that bother him. He's surprised to see Baran. The meeting was with Kudret. (Did he think Kudret was such a pushover?) Well, no matter. A Karabey is a Karabey. Oooooh, that gets a teethsuck from Baran. (Those are still delightful, even now.) Diamonds from Africa + quick delivery...Baran has reservations. He is kinda raking Cevahir over the coals. He even holds a finger up, silencing Cevahir, keeping him waiting to go talk to Dilan when she walks up.

Cevahir retaliates by bringing up how well the vendetta worked out, in a snide way. Baran ends the meeting. There may be a bruising handshake standoff, I can't tell.

Firat is being sneaky; his new room is near Gul's. They can canoodle when everyone is asleep. He's telling her his plan when Azade-doom walks in.

Baran is very supportive of Dilan's emotional roller coaster. He gets a kiss on the palm that is caressing her cheek. 

Seyit shows up at the mansion. They meet him hand in hand.

The results are in! Sabiha can't look. Havin reads it. Dilan is her daughter! But now, after all she's done, how will she tell her?

Seyit divulges he has the name of her mom's employer.

Yelling at the tv:
*They're so lovey dovey lately, always asking what they did to deserve someone so wonderful. Or how they're lucky to have found the other person. It's a welcome change and one I feel like we earned after all those excruciatingly hard scenes. Hard won. We'll hold tight.

Teaser: 203:

Baran finds out about Firat buying the shares and not because Firat told him. He sees it as a betrayal. Dilan calms him down; he gets a kiss on the cheek.

Kan Cicekleri episode 159

The Launch Party

Quick synopsis:  Gul knows the truth. A necklace swap. Consequences of actions.

Gul heard right, Dilan has been forced to act this way. She is relieved to know that Dilan has been lying, that this love she and Baran had was real, and looking back, she realizes that things are adding up now. And that is so satisfying. She presses Dilan, "Tell me everything or I'll go to Baran with what I know". Finally! An ultimatum I can get behind! The pressure comes from a good place though; Dilan has helped all of them, says Gul. Let me help you this time. Dilan reveals the threats that she has been living under.

But someone was watching them.

Sabiha's plan is simple: swap the necklace for her faux. Viran has arranged for a reporter to attend the launch and capture the embarrassing moment, the result being Baran is a laughing stock, his big day ruined, his company in shambles. 

Gul knowing the truth has the opposite effect on Dilan however. Instead of easing the burden, she now has a very real and close fear that Gul’s life is also now in danger. It pushes her to resolve to swap the necklaces after all. Baran is in the middle of preparations himself, but catches her eye across the patio. Rather than scowling (well, scowling less) he seems perplexed. Is my theory of a supposed trap still in play?

Dilan is nearly found out by Cihan in the study, but after a fumble with the safe--where we wonder if maybe Baran changed the combination, a trust broken--she ends up getting it open and pulling out the necklace from its box. She makes the switch but only narrowly escapes being caught again, this time by Baran and Kerem. She's just outside the door, on the patio, when Baran notices said door is open, the curtain blowing in the breeze. He closes the door but then notices the cabinet door ajar...and leaves it. (Trap. Totally a trap.)

He meets Dilan in their closet. Going to the launch, are we? Forget it, Cinderella. Baran forbids it. "I don't remember inviting you. You don't deserve to see my happiest day." She's devastated but Gul comforts her. There's power in numbers and Gul is there for her. She convinces her to do...something. Not swap the necklaces back, but it's good to see some gumption in the works. Kader is still pinch-faced around her though and that's sad.

Dilan goes to the thing she's not supposed to / said she wouldn't (like other important dinners) and when she walks under the entrance arbor, Baran does a double take and is entranced. She's caught by paparazzi but handles it like a pro, a credit to the Karabey name, with the grace of a Karabey bride. 

Firat is stuck at the kids table (aka secondary characters' table), after Gul delivers another sizzling set-down. Kudret presents Dilan with Ayten's scarf, MUCH to Baran's surprise. And he will be the instrument of his own displeasure, being asked by Kudret to put the scarf on Dilan. With the scarf, Kudret delivers a benediction: may you have the love your mother and I had, and all the time we didn't. Baran counters with whispers of stripping the honor and taking the scarf away later that night.

At last, they unveil Delal. And...it's the original! 

She had switched them back. 

Sabiha is furious. She makes a call.

Congratulations all around.

A family photo is proposed. (They are staring at each other in it again.)

Firat makes an escape and comes to a realization. He's fed up. Kudret's words and fatherly advice are lost to him. He will choose power over everything. I want to say, Firat, you toad, but this is so much worse. This is Firat failing. Gul got through to him alright, but in ways that prompt him to turn away from her. I wonder if (when) he ever sees that she does still care for him, this will change his mind. He thinks she's given him up, for money and power, and then she scolded him so many times, he just kinda gives up. He will pursue these things too, almost as if to one up Gul. These Karabey boys, always thinking their women have forsaken them. It's practically a family trait at this point.

Dilan is firmly decided, she needs to talk to Baran. But he's nowhere to be found. She panics. Nope, nevermind, there he is.

And walks right past her without a glance.

But he's ok, not hurt. She recommits to talking to him. Finally! We've hit the Just Tell Him! stage. The party is over and she sees him by the pool, follows him to the driveway. She confesses everything...to his back.*  And just when she's ready to say it to his face, a little red dot appears on his shoulder. She yells his name. He turns and notices the dot. And gets shot. And shit, there's music. That means this is serious. And not just any ole melancholy song, it's his mom's ballad. The folk song she used to sing. The one they have of her singing it on tape. And there's a lot of blood.

This is bad, gang.

Culturisms:

They always blur the blood. Family show, I guess? But even with it blurred, it shows up bright against his white shirt. And there's so much. It's a shoulder wound, not a kill shot, but wow, they make it dire.

Yelling at the tv:
* Baran! Say it! Call his name and make him turn around! Walk up to him. Anything but talking out loud when he can't hear you. My god, you writers, you're killing me here.

And again, when he gets shot, she just drops! Not rushes to him, not yells for help, just drops to the pavement. Precious moments are being wasted here, Dilan. Snap to it, girl.

I watched the teaser, like usual, but then had to start the next episode right away. Just a few minutes, just to see what was going to happen, because I couldn't let it sit. He was just laying there in the driveway. Not even to the hospital or in a car moving fast yet. 

1 Hagia Sofia chanted

Teaser 160:

He's alive. He reaches for her face before passing out. Dilan is yelling "Please don't leave me!" as he's wheeled into the ER.

Wear your kindness on your sleeve

I recently listened to the Ted Talk Radio podcast titled Why We Hate.  One contributor, writer and journalist Anand Giridharadas, said something I thought was interesting: "The loss of what is undeserved, even though it is undeserved, is hard." His point is, no matter how unfair the advantage, or how imbalanced the power, one has to at least acknowledge that the loss of it will be felt keenly.  Not that the loss is unjust, but that those who want to usher in a more balanced distribution of that power will need to do so with mercy.

And I can see that.  I bristle at having to be the bigger person, to be the one to use kindness and mercy.  But I also think, Well of course.  They're not used to it, being the bigger person.  They haven't had to; it's not an inherent quality of privilege, especially when you don't think you are privileged.

And I know what it's like, to suddenly feel the bottom drop out from under you, to feel that paradigm shift around you and have your framework no longer be valid.

For many years the Universe--capital U--was there for us. It was our own brand of divinity, freeing in our possession of it, different from any other, unique in how we perceived it. 

We had not been without our pitfalls, but for the most part, we have trusted the signs, followed the inner voice and trusted what the Universe was telling us. 

There was no series of tests of our faith; our Universe, when we loved it, did not do that.  It was not cruel.  It was not always apparent, but when it spoke, we knew it. And we listened.  The principle pinnacle of our experience was that we were lucky.  Things happened when we needed them to, if we paid attention to the signs.  We were rewarded for our acknowledgement of the magic.

And then a quagmire.  A series of events beyond our control, no signs to follow, no end in sight.  And I have wondered why, when we did what we thought the Universe was telling us to do, are we in such a situation?  I kept looking for it to bring about capital R Reason, kept trying to see signs, to notice what it wanted me to see and try not to hold a grudge.  Still it did not prove itself.  Has not.  And, I have come to realize, never will.  That bond is broken.

But it wasn't easy.  I was angry. 

If it happened to work for me before, in whatever form, yet now it makes me jaw-clenching furious to hear of one door closing and another opening, I must realize that I cannot have it both ways.  I cannot cringe with fury at the atonements uttered for crappy times and also hope for my particular brand of Universe to come back to me.  They are one and the same, 2 sides of the same coin.  Either you agree to it in its entirety and you find solace, or you don't.  

And even when you know the choice is right for you, that loss is difficult to take.

And so I found myself wondering, "How many times have I lived this life?  Have I ever done anything right? It's too late to start again.  And it's too early to give in." And I played that on repeat, for a long time.  

I can't go back, and it *is* too early to give in.  I continue not because I have found my Universe at my back again, not because my trust has been renewed.  I continue because I am here.  Because I can either do or not.  I have no affiliation, no bond, no allegiance but to this life.  Because it simply is.  It is here and I am here and I will live it.  

If this gives me no peace, then it will be my own disquiet, my own to harbor, my own to douse. Yet we are not always kind to ourselves.  Not sure how to best adjust to even a decision we feel sure of, let alone one we are still working out the details of.

You come to realize that either you are still part of the world and wrestle with that, or you will continue to feel you're not.  When you are met with mercy and kindness at your loss, you are more likely to turn away from that feeling of isolation, more open to receive compassion rather than look for rancor.  When you think there's nothing wrong with you, and then you find out maybe you're wrong, if you have the courage to ask "Have I ever done anything right?" let us then recognize that courage in those who ask it.  Let us help rather than hinder and offer that help where we can.  Mr. Rogers' mother said look to the helpers.  That's a tough job, the capital H Helper. You'll need to tread lightly, and wear your Kindness on your sleeve.  Give it away as often as you can. 

A Couple of Girl Things

1. There are not many girls in my daughter's 1st grade class who have their hair done up cute.  They are a strangly, wispy, hair-falling-in-their-faces kind of crowd.  I am glad she is not the only one.  I am glad they all don't listen to their parents, that they forget barrettes every day, and go through their school day with reckless abandon for propriety and a fervent concentration on the task at hand.

2. I remember one instance in particular of a fellow student--a boy--sexually harassing me at age 10, under the guise of teasing.  Age 10 folks!  I guess he thought it was teasing.  He called my Girl Scout beret a nipple and said it looked like I was wearing a nipple on my head.  Here's why it wasn't teasing:

a. Using a part of girl's anatomy to shame her is not ok.  It's misogyny in fact.

b. Calling attention to a pre-teen's anything to make fun of it is not ok.

c. Calling attention to a way of dressing by making fun of it is bullying.

d. The Girl Scout organization exists to give girls confidence, inspire leadership, and create equality.  By mocking the uniform and physical representation of this, he not only undermined all those qualities for me, he disrespected a uniform.  Something his veteran family members would probably not be ok with either.  

e. I'd never heard him make fun of the Boy Scout uniforms seen around school.  If in fact he didn't make fun of them, it means he might have respect for a uniform, just not a girl one, and probably because he didn't see it as a "real" uniform.

And if you say it's because there was no girly beret, you can stop right there and look up #metoo.

And here is where I feel stunted: I should not have to list off these reasons.  

I can't believe I have to state this. Since the election I've been tongue-tied. I am stupefied by the insistence I have to make about things you shouldn't do to women.  I thought we were past it.  I don't have the words anymore because I haven't needed them. I'm open-mouthed and dumbfounded...and left looking like an idiot who can't speak intelligibly.  I could scream my angst but that would just look worse.  

Am I whining about how I have to relearn how to stick up for myself, poor baby?  

Damn right I am.  Y'all should have learned that lesson seven ways from Sunday by now.

It's taken a while to feel like I can go back to the basics enough, to be able to give words to why calling a girl in her Girl Scout uniform a nipplehead is not acceptable.  

I find myself going back through my life, suddenly thinking to count the #metoo events I might have had.  Because here's the other thing: my god, women don't even keep count anymore of the everyday crap they get.  It's only the egregious things that stay on her mind.  

But this kid, completely unaware of why what he was doing was wrong, set the stage for that dismissal. I remember being so ashamed that he had said that. To my face.  Out loud.  In front of people.  In a school room.  So many rings of where it should have stopped.

Where was the teacher?  I don't know.  Maybe it was before school actually started.  Maybe he was dealing with another bullying situation.  It doesn't matter.  The teacher can redirect each conversation they hear, or situation they see.  But they don't see everything. And isn't it how you act when no one's looking that demonstrates your true character?  

Why didn't the teacher intervene isn't the problem.

So this boy thought he was being funny.  He'd been taught that.  Or allowed to think it.  

But he calculated the use of a sensual word--nipple--to make me more embarrassed.  He understood the sexual nature of his teasing and the power that gave him.

And he didn't even hesitate to bully and discredit another human by abusing that power.  That's the real problem.

I felt it was my fault for wearing that hat.  Something I'd actually been quite proud of when I got dressed.  And then he made a crude observation and I trusted it, because we are taught to.  Boys are given more credit for their conclusions. And suddenly I felt so stupid for not having seen it first.  I should have caught that flaw before he had the chance to and not worn the beret. All this "she was asking for it" happening to a 10 year old girl.  Happening in her own head.  Without being raped, without being groped. It doesn't take an egregious action to engender and indoctrinate.  

It feels the same.  The shame, the undermining of self worth, the fault--it is the same track, just earlier in the road.  

Which means it's earlier in the road for him too. By not standing up to him, by allowing him to think he was only teasing, downplaying the severity of his actions, we raise these boys.

Don't.  Don't do it anymore.  

​If you want better girls, encourage them, don't belittle them.  Listen to your girls.  Listen to me: If you want a better world for your girls--for everyone--raise better boys.​

Sexist (and worse) President

Re 1600 Daily, 3/30/17:

No matter how many panels or conferences, meetings or forums you attend; no matter the women's issues and causes you pretend to champion, this photo with Rassmussen--and it's absent partner during Merkel's visit--out you as a liar.  You cannot profess to advocate on behalf of women and refuse to shake one's hand while also affording her male counterparts this simple, singular gesture of meeting.  A woman who is your equal in station and your better in leadership, compassion and voice.

Your behavior is an affront and you embarrass us.

Buoyed

I recently subscribed to a blog about a thankful boy and momma, after hearing about it so much from people I love and trust. And because I finally remembered to do it at a time when I was in front of a computer on my own time.  A recent post was one of disappointment, post election day, and the lack of underlying sentiment in a Sunday service.  A sentiment about the values this mom's gathering promises to uphold.  We non-churchy people, who don't ascribe to or comply with any particular faith, who follow values over doctrine, were as shocked and stunned as the rest of the world on Nov. 9th  All arguments as to whether we should have been or not aside, what we're left with is what we've got--a conundrum: how do you include people in respect of one another's opinions whose practice it is to disrespect?  

Respecting someone else's opinion is for things like debating movie plots, not about whether every citizen has the same rights as a white male.  It's not my favorite standard but it drives home the point.  If you believe any other citizen--straight, non-white, different religion, disabled, different gender--should not have the same freedoms as a while male, then you need to take a good, long look at why.   

And when your faith/values community fails to speak out in exactly these terms, addressing this very point?  What then?  Lots of people have a crisis of faith community: Don't like the new pastor.  Don't agree with what edict came from Rome.  But in respect to this specific question?  When the values that drive your faith are not addressed or glossed over in a message of unity rather than pointing out the let down of the values the community purports to be based on?  I feel for her.  

I feel for her because my community responded.  And it responded precisely as I feel--as our values claim--we should have responded.  We handed out the biggest safety pins we could buy.  You need to be able to see them from afar, to be a beacon.  ​I am troubled too, but I am buoyed.  And I wear a safety pin not only as the mark of a safety zone, but as a mark of my call to action.​  This is a constant reminder of what to do, how to intervene, to speak out.  A safe zone isn't enough.  We need a No More zone.  

​I don't have a symbol of my faith--no cross, no star--but I choose this.  ​Have always chosen this.  And now, with the symbol borrowed from Brexit, I pin it on the outside every day so we can all see it.  Every. Day. 

Kindly Optimism

I've been exposed recently, through a lecture and some podcasts, to the newest generation of young adults.  Which is not to say that people 18-25 aren't a part of my normal day, as they are for anyone living in the world, but I've been specifically subjected to their collective point of view through a couple pointed circumstances.

The first was a lecture, during a Sunday morning gathering.  My place of worship is not the normal church--not a church at all really--and that's part of what attracted this young woman to our group.  So when I say Sunday morning service, I don't mean, "at church".  I mean the place where me and bunch of other people go and sit through the semblance of a standard church service program like readings, gathering words, an offering, etc.  But the community is values based rather than doctrinal so any mention of Jesus holds as much power for us as Martin Luther King or Rumi.  Being values-based was the point of her talk and the reason for her visit.  And this was one of her points.  The talk was about Millennials and their search for humanitarian rather than religious spirituality.

And it exposed me to a mind set that, although I think myself enlightened for being part of this Sunday group who is concerned with the root values rather than the dogma, was an eye-opening experience into kindness as a way of life.

I am a mixture of cynicism and optimism. I love the scathing set-downs of 19th century literature but I am also and generally an upbeat person.  So I thought.  Being grounded in literature, irony is like air.  So a sunny disposition is always paired with a foible, however small.  Being compassionate and kind is at the heart of every teaching of my Sunday gatherings and I try to follow closely.  But it's more of a call to action, a challenge to consistently remember. This young woman brought kindness as I know it to a new level.  It wasn't a personal struggle, not an epic battle to try to find commonality with enemies.  She and her generation just feel it's always better to remember to give the benefit of the doubt and that opposing opinions have value.  My struggle emerges from an evolution of Christian doctrine: love thy enemy.  Her doctrine is 1 step beyond that.  Her perception comes from seeing values as the first step, not an evolved second step.

And I speak broadly about her generation because she herself cited other published and recognized people in her global age group. 

I realized that although I think of myself as an optimist, I don't maintain the idea that world will get better and better.  I don't hold out hope that it will, believe that reality is possible.  And she does.  What's more, she's not sure how she and her fellows will get there, but they believe that the way will open for them.  And not naively.  Perhaps with unadulterated buoyancy, but not without understanding the problems of the world.  These young people are not ignorant, nor are they ignorant in their assumptions.  They did not grow up with "Do or do not. There is no try."* They know there will be setbacks and they accept this as part of the process. They are simply undaunted.  In a way that I am daily...not.  They don't see the world as kind-hearted; they know better.   But they go kind-heartedly into the world.  It's the difference between me telling my son, "Every time you don't recycle when you could have, you are ruining your future!" and her saying, "We need to reach out to people and help make recycling easier so that everyone can do it." 

*To be fair to Yoda, and his whole universe which I still love, his point was to be all in.  Make up your mind that this is what you are going to do and keep doing it until you get it.  Believe that you can and you will.  So essentially the same thing as what my lecturer believes.  It's all semantics of course, but isn't that part of the point, how the message gets delivered?  What helps to shape your mindfullness?

I like this view.  I'll expose myself to more of it.  I'll be curious to see how my pre-teen son grows into young adulthood and what optimism looks like then.